In Part 1, you learned why traditional couples therapy backfires for trauma survivors. It addresses symptoms while neglecting the root cause: nervous system dysregulation from past trauma.
Let’s now explore what actually works—and how a trauma-informed approach transforms not just your relationship, but your entire experience of safety and connection.
The Science Behind the Solution
Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory explains exactly why traditional couples therapy fails trauma survivors. According to this research, our nervous system operates in three main states:
Ventral Vagal (Social Engagement): This is our optimal state for connection. When we’re here, we can be curious about our partner’s perspective, communicate clearly, and work through conflict collaboratively.
Sympathetic (Fight/Flight): When we feel threatened, we move into this activated state. We become defensive, attacking, or frantically trying to get our point across. This is where most relationship conflicts escalate.
Dorsal Vagal (Freeze/Collapse): When overwhelmed, we shut down completely. This is where stonewalling, emotional withdrawal, and dissociation occur.
For trauma survivors, moving between these states happens faster and more frequently than for others. What looks like “poor communication skills” is actually rapid nervous system shifts triggered by reminders of past trauma.
Furthermore, trauma survivors often have a narrow “window of tolerance”—the zone where they can handle stress and still function well. When they move outside this window (which happens easily in relationship conflicts), they become either hyperactivated (fight/flight) or hypoactivated (freeze/collapse).
Traditional therapy often pushes couples outside their window of tolerance by encouraging them to “go deeper” or “feel their feelings more fully.” However, trauma survivors need to learn to stay within their window first, then gradually expand it over time.
The Whole-Healing System: A Different Approach
My Whole-Healing System addresses what traditional therapy misses by working with three essential components simultaneously:
1. Nervous System Regulation (Bottom-Up)
Before we work on communication, we help both partners learn to recognize their nervous system states and develop tools to regulate themselves in real-time.
This includes:
- Identifying personal triggers and early warning signs
- Learning grounding and co-regulation techniques
- Practicing staying in the ventral vagal state during mild conflicts
- Developing safety signals for when someone becomes dysregulated
2. Attachment Healing (Inside-Out)
We address the underlying attachment wounds that create the relationship patterns.
This involves:
- Understanding each partner’s attachment style and trauma history
- Healing the core wounds that drive defensive behaviors
- Creating new, positive experiences that begin to rewire old patterns
- Developing earned security within the relationship
3. Communication Skills (Top-Down)
Only after establishing nervous system stability do we introduce communication tools. Moreover, these aren’t generic techniques—they’re trauma-informed approaches that work with, not against, the nervous system:
- Regulation-first communication protocols
- De-escalation techniques for when someone gets triggered
- Repair rituals for reconnecting after conflicts
- Co-regulation practices for daily connection
Case Study: Sarah and Mike’s Transformation
Remember Sarah and Mike from Part 1? Let me show you what happened when they tried a trauma-informed approach.
When they first came to me, they’d been married for eight years and were considering divorce. Sarah had complex PTSD from childhood emotional abuse, and Mike had trauma from military service. Their previous couples therapist had spent months teaching them communication techniques that never seemed to work.
In our first session, I watched what happened when they tried to discuss a minor disagreement about household chores. Within minutes, Sarah’s face flushed red and her breathing became rapid—classic signs of sympathetic activation. Meanwhile, Mike’s response was to go completely blank and stop making eye contact—a dorsal vagal shutdown.
Their previous therapist had interpreted this as Sarah being “too emotional” and Mike being “avoidant and dismissive.” However, I saw two nervous systems protecting themselves the only way they knew how.
Instead of pushing them to “work through” the conflict, I taught them to recognize what was happening in their bodies. We practiced simple breathing techniques and helped them identify their personal triggers. Most importantly, we developed a signal system—when either person felt their nervous system shifting, they could call a pause without judgment.
The transformation didn’t happen overnight, but within a few months, something remarkable occurred. During a session where they were discussing a more serious issue (Sarah’s desire for another child), Mike started to shut down as usual. But this time, Sarah noticed his breathing change and said gently, “I think you’re going into freeze mode. Do you need a minute?”
Instead of escalating or giving up, they both took a few minutes to regulate. When Mike returned to his window of tolerance, he was able to share his actual fear: that he wouldn’t be a good enough father because of his own trauma. This was the first time Sarah had heard his real concern, rather than just experiencing his withdrawal.
That moment was a turning point. They began to see each other’s “difficult behaviors” as protective responses rather than personal attacks. With their nervous systems more regulated, they could finally access empathy, curiosity, and genuine problem-solving.
What Trauma-Informed Sessions Look Like
Trauma-informed couples therapy sessions look and feel different from traditional approaches:
- We start with nervous system check-ins. Before diving into issues, we help each partner identify their current state and what they need to feel safe in the session.
- We prioritize regulation over expression. If someone becomes activated, we pause the conversation and focus on helping them return to their window of tolerance.
- We work with parts, not just personalities. We recognize that the “you” who shows up in conflict might be a younger, traumatized part of you, not your adult self.
- We celebrate small victories. Rather than pushing for breakthrough moments, we acknowledge every tiny step toward regulation and connection.
Red Flags: When Your Therapist Isn’t Trauma-Informed
If you’re currently in couples therapy or considering it, watch for these warning signs:
1. They Push Through Overwhelm
When someone dissociates or becomes flooded, trauma-informed therapists prioritize regulation over “working through” the issue.
2. They Focus Only on Communication
While communication is important, trauma-informed therapy addresses the underlying nervous system dysregulation driving those patterns.
3. They Don’t Address Individual Trauma
Couples work is important, but unresolved individual trauma will continue to impact the relationship until it’s addressed.
4. They Don’t Check Safety
Every session should include some assessment of whether both partners feel safe enough to engage authentically.
5. They Encourage Full Expression Without Regulation
A trauma-informed therapist helps you express emotions from a regulated state, not from the middle of a nervous system storm.
Your Path Forward
Trauma-informed couples therapy typically takes longer than traditional approaches—not because it’s less effective, but because it addresses the root causes rather than just surface symptoms. Most couples see significant improvements within 3-4 months, with deeper transformation occurring over 6-12 months.
The investment is significant, but consider the cost of staying stuck: relationships that drain rather than nourish you, patterns that repeat across all your relationships, and the ongoing impact of unhealed trauma on your mental and physical health.
More importantly, consider what becomes possible: a relationship that actually helps heal your trauma, a partner who becomes a source of safety rather than stress, and breaking generational patterns so they don’t impact your children.
Take the Next Step
If you’re reading this and thinking, “This is exactly what we need,” trust that instinct. Your relationship doesn’t have to be another casualty of unhealed trauma.
I offer free consultation calls where we can discuss your specific situation and determine if trauma-informed couples therapy is right for you. During this call, we’ll explore:
- Your trauma history and how it’s showing up in your relationship
- Why previous therapy attempts may not have worked
- What trauma-informed couples therapy would look like for your specific situation
- Whether my Whole-Healing System approach is a good fit for your needs
You don’t have to keep repeating the same painful cycles. Furthermore, you don’t have to choose between healing your trauma and saving your relationship. With the right approach, you can do both.
Ready to explore a different way forward? Book your free consultation here and let’s discuss how trauma-informed couples therapy can help you create the secure, healing relationship you both deserve.
Eva Fernandez, LMFT, specializes in truma-informed individual and couples therapy using her proprietary Whole-Healing System. She helps trauma survivors create secure, lasting relationships through nervous system regulation, attachment healing, and trauma-informed communication skills.
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